Whenever I set off to attempt something, I didn't feel it was completely right and subsequently those ambitions didn't last. Every few weeks I have a mini melt down and stress fully try to come up with some career/ambition that will make me feel and seem important.Yesterday the veil over my foggy human brain was lifted. I will still be searching for the next 100 years, if I don't re-realize this truth: I am first and foremost a daughter of God. My identity need only be found in Christ. Not in my career, not in my marriage. True fulfillment comes from knowing and being known by my Savior. Everything else will fall into place.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
A simple truth, easily forgotten.
Isn't it funny how you can know something your entire life and simply forget it? I had one of those moments yesterday. Ever since I stopped doing hair about a year ago, I have been struggling with what my purpose is in life. Really I feel I've been searching for it since I donned that blue cap and gown back in 2006. I was going to take over Broadway, didn't. I was going to be a hairdresser- I'm still Derek's :) but that's about it.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Always...
There will be times of darkness.
There will be times when evil seems to win.
There will be times when we cry in the streets because it seems unfair.
There will be tragedy.
But there will always be hope.
The hope and the knowledge that someday your coming back and you are going to make everything new.
I can't wait!
What happened in Aurora is heart breaking earth shattering, awful, awful, awful. I am not trying to down play it, but evil isn't a new thing. We see it repeat on the news, on the streets, maybe in our own homes. This however is more shocking being closer in proximity . We get a taste. It could've been me, my friends, my family. We become fearful. Should I go to the movies, could it happen again? I don't think that's the right approach. Tragedies happen all the time and we still have to face the world, go out and hope that were safe. The reality is that tragedy could strike you on your couch. We don't become immune by becoming hermits. Immunity doesn't exist because, we are mortal We have the chance though when tragedy strikes to call on our Father and to ask him to show up in a big way! I serve a God who brings beauty from ashes, and I believe he can do this here and now and always!
Love to you!!!!
~ M
There will be times when evil seems to win.
There will be times when we cry in the streets because it seems unfair.
There will be tragedy.
But there will always be hope.
The hope and the knowledge that someday your coming back and you are going to make everything new.
I can't wait!
What happened in Aurora is heart breaking earth shattering, awful, awful, awful. I am not trying to down play it, but evil isn't a new thing. We see it repeat on the news, on the streets, maybe in our own homes. This however is more shocking being closer in proximity . We get a taste. It could've been me, my friends, my family. We become fearful. Should I go to the movies, could it happen again? I don't think that's the right approach. Tragedies happen all the time and we still have to face the world, go out and hope that were safe. The reality is that tragedy could strike you on your couch. We don't become immune by becoming hermits. Immunity doesn't exist because, we are mortal We have the chance though when tragedy strikes to call on our Father and to ask him to show up in a big way! I serve a God who brings beauty from ashes, and I believe he can do this here and now and always!
Love to you!!!!
~ M
Saturday, April 7, 2012
24.
24 to me is creeping slowly towards 30.
24 is grown up and mature, decisive and sturdy.
I am not any of those, except maybe sturdy.
Sturdy I am . rooted, tree like. I shake in the wind and my leaves fall and liter the earth, but spring comes and I bloom. Bloom from the love around me , bloom and grow, bloom and grow.
24
Sweet, sorrow no more. For things are settled and lovely and the earth smells brand new.
24
24 it suits you.(me)
24 is grown up and mature, decisive and sturdy.
I am not any of those, except maybe sturdy.
Sturdy I am . rooted, tree like. I shake in the wind and my leaves fall and liter the earth, but spring comes and I bloom. Bloom from the love around me , bloom and grow, bloom and grow.
24
Sweet, sorrow no more. For things are settled and lovely and the earth smells brand new.
24
24 it suits you.(me)
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Dumb robin, dumb me?
Stuck in a tar pit, moving, well hardly, but trying, kind of. Meeting resistance as anyone in tar would. Frustrated because what she wants she doesn't have, but she doesn't move obtain it either.Stuck.
Fluttering she hits the glass, sees something beyond it she desperately wants, can't get to it,scrape, crash , repeat, can't get to it. She doesn't get it, but she doesn't give up either. I am annoyed. Robin and I are singing a duet. She wants in the house and I... I want to feel of value, unstuck to shatter the glass and perch on my tree. Robin and I it would seem are one in the same. Robin, sweet,dumb robin doesn't understand that the tree she so desperately wants to perch on resides in a house,to which she has no access. Michelle,sweet dumb,Michelle doesn't realize that the things she seeks are of little importance if she isn't seeking her father's will first.Obtain that,the rest will follow.
CRASH.
I learned. I hope Robin will follow suit.
Seriously this robin for two days has tried to get in the house. She is resilient in the worst way, wanting this tree that sits indoors. I shoo her away and get back to reading,but the scrape,crash,flutter,repeat is obnoxious. I wondered if the big man was trying to say something, or if poor robin is just a little messed up. I think it's the prior, or both,either way it struck a chord with me.
Robin couldn't see the glass, was confused because she saw right through it.
I was having a conversation with my awesome sister about how I felt stuck and frustrated, she began encouraging me ( thinking I meant spiritually (which I didn't but should have ) ) to get more involved, to make it count. I followed up by saying " I was referring to more insignificant things." her response was "There you go." I worry will music ever be a real thing in my life, will I be as good as other people at doing hair... um... things to be mindful then proactive about, but not unraveled by.
The glass in front of me was this : By pursuing my savior and listening for his will, I will find what my real passion is, things will fall into place, his desires will become my own. I will perch on the best tree of all.
Were imperfect beings, maybe a month from now I'll get excited flap my wings and head for the nearest window crash and remember who's in charge. However I'll keep growing.
<3 M
Fluttering she hits the glass, sees something beyond it she desperately wants, can't get to it,scrape, crash , repeat, can't get to it. She doesn't get it, but she doesn't give up either. I am annoyed. Robin and I are singing a duet. She wants in the house and I... I want to feel of value, unstuck to shatter the glass and perch on my tree. Robin and I it would seem are one in the same. Robin, sweet,dumb robin doesn't understand that the tree she so desperately wants to perch on resides in a house,to which she has no access. Michelle,sweet dumb,Michelle doesn't realize that the things she seeks are of little importance if she isn't seeking her father's will first.Obtain that,the rest will follow.
CRASH.
I learned. I hope Robin will follow suit.
Seriously this robin for two days has tried to get in the house. She is resilient in the worst way, wanting this tree that sits indoors. I shoo her away and get back to reading,but the scrape,crash,flutter,repeat is obnoxious. I wondered if the big man was trying to say something, or if poor robin is just a little messed up. I think it's the prior, or both,either way it struck a chord with me.
Robin couldn't see the glass, was confused because she saw right through it.
I was having a conversation with my awesome sister about how I felt stuck and frustrated, she began encouraging me ( thinking I meant spiritually (which I didn't but should have ) ) to get more involved, to make it count. I followed up by saying " I was referring to more insignificant things." her response was "There you go." I worry will music ever be a real thing in my life, will I be as good as other people at doing hair... um... things to be mindful then proactive about, but not unraveled by.
The glass in front of me was this : By pursuing my savior and listening for his will, I will find what my real passion is, things will fall into place, his desires will become my own. I will perch on the best tree of all.
Were imperfect beings, maybe a month from now I'll get excited flap my wings and head for the nearest window crash and remember who's in charge. However I'll keep growing.
<3 M
Friday, February 17, 2012
Even the winter...
Even the winter won't last forever... (it may feel like it though (just saying))
For the past couple weeks I have been slipping down the slope of anxiety and winter depression. This past week I took Der with me. It's been grey and cold and we have been working a lot and seeing little of each other and it wears on you. Being an adult does that to a person. We moped, grew frustrated with each other, dreamed of tropical vacations and became distant. I had no fight in me. Der, usually my strong encourager was worn out, trying to encourage his wife who often says "please don't encourage me right now". What kind of b.s. is that? Don't encourage me right now? yeah I admit I have said that a couple times.It was strange I didn't even want to seek God. I just wanted to wallow. Oh my. A lot of times I like to wallow. I like to give in to the black lake of sorrow and doom (that I have known for far to long) and contemplate doggy paddling or drowning. It seems easier for some reason? (don't ask me why)
It's so easy to embrace insanity, to embrace the darkness that laps at our feet. Don't. It won't get you out of anything, just delay your journey. The thing is. I am changed. It's really unreal, and so my new self battling my old self has a lot to do with this black lake of doom business. The old me would have jumped in the lake, and hid in her bed for as long as she wanted. This new version pushes through. It doesn't sound like much, but I have been like this forever, so it's really kind of a miracle. It's really a lot like growing up.
However being a grown up will not change the following about me :
I will still dress weird on occasion, because I can and it makes me feel cool and different.
I will still burp loudly. Not as much as I once did, but just enough to remind me of what once was....
I will still have a soft spot in my heart for musicals and once in a blue moon serenade my house with a medley of Wicked , Les Mis, and Jekyll and Hyde.
I will dance with my husband whenever and wherever. because why not?
I will never grow to old to be passionate, and write and sing and pursue music, because it is where my heart is.
I will never fall out of love with my savior and if I feel it slipping I will pursue him still.
For the past couple weeks I have been slipping down the slope of anxiety and winter depression. This past week I took Der with me. It's been grey and cold and we have been working a lot and seeing little of each other and it wears on you. Being an adult does that to a person. We moped, grew frustrated with each other, dreamed of tropical vacations and became distant. I had no fight in me. Der, usually my strong encourager was worn out, trying to encourage his wife who often says "please don't encourage me right now". What kind of b.s. is that? Don't encourage me right now? yeah I admit I have said that a couple times.It was strange I didn't even want to seek God. I just wanted to wallow. Oh my. A lot of times I like to wallow. I like to give in to the black lake of sorrow and doom (that I have known for far to long) and contemplate doggy paddling or drowning. It seems easier for some reason? (don't ask me why)
It's so easy to embrace insanity, to embrace the darkness that laps at our feet. Don't. It won't get you out of anything, just delay your journey. The thing is. I am changed. It's really unreal, and so my new self battling my old self has a lot to do with this black lake of doom business. The old me would have jumped in the lake, and hid in her bed for as long as she wanted. This new version pushes through. It doesn't sound like much, but I have been like this forever, so it's really kind of a miracle. It's really a lot like growing up.
However being a grown up will not change the following about me :
I will still dress weird on occasion, because I can and it makes me feel cool and different.
I will still burp loudly. Not as much as I once did, but just enough to remind me of what once was....
I will still have a soft spot in my heart for musicals and once in a blue moon serenade my house with a medley of Wicked , Les Mis, and Jekyll and Hyde.
I will dance with my husband whenever and wherever. because why not?
I will never grow to old to be passionate, and write and sing and pursue music, because it is where my heart is.
I will never fall out of love with my savior and if I feel it slipping I will pursue him still.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Overcome
I have a hard time persevering.
I get scared to try.
I get overwhelmed and so I pop in my shell and ride the storm out.
It started back and back and back.
It's why I am terrible at math, why I never went out for sports why I battled an eating disorder. It was easier to not try to understand the problems, easier to not even go there, and easier to do it the unhealthy way then to really work to lose the weight. Easier to not face the potential to fail. So I didn't try.
I got on the scale today and much to my dismay gained half a pound ( not really that big of a deal).
I felt sick and began analyzing my week, what had I eaten? Where had I gone wrong? I started feeling bad about myself and I wanted to retreat, give up.
Point is this : It's hard. Life is. It's overwhelming to try, it's overwhelming to give up the little nicety's aka chocolate in life to pursue health. To pursue things even when they are challenging. We like ease. Quick fixes. Straight paths. However analogies aside it can be done. Life can be conquered the easy, the hard and the in between. I realize there are far braver people than I . But, for those of you like myself who get scared, who get sucked in and complacent you can overcome. Start today with a little thing. Don't be scared to fail, because it will happen . What we really should be scared of is not trying. Of letting fear of failure rule our lives. When you find yourself succeeding failing seems less intimidating.
As for me ( and you) today is a new day! A chance to start over and pursue good and the life we were created for!
As my Mom says...
You are loved,
Michelle
P.S. Enjoy the ride!!!!
I get scared to try.
I get overwhelmed and so I pop in my shell and ride the storm out.
It started back and back and back.
It's why I am terrible at math, why I never went out for sports why I battled an eating disorder. It was easier to not try to understand the problems, easier to not even go there, and easier to do it the unhealthy way then to really work to lose the weight. Easier to not face the potential to fail. So I didn't try.
I got on the scale today and much to my dismay gained half a pound ( not really that big of a deal).
I felt sick and began analyzing my week, what had I eaten? Where had I gone wrong? I started feeling bad about myself and I wanted to retreat, give up.
Point is this : It's hard. Life is. It's overwhelming to try, it's overwhelming to give up the little nicety's aka chocolate in life to pursue health. To pursue things even when they are challenging. We like ease. Quick fixes. Straight paths. However analogies aside it can be done. Life can be conquered the easy, the hard and the in between. I realize there are far braver people than I . But, for those of you like myself who get scared, who get sucked in and complacent you can overcome. Start today with a little thing. Don't be scared to fail, because it will happen . What we really should be scared of is not trying. Of letting fear of failure rule our lives. When you find yourself succeeding failing seems less intimidating.
As for me ( and you) today is a new day! A chance to start over and pursue good and the life we were created for!
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway”~ John Wayne
As my Mom says...
You are loved,
Michelle
P.S. Enjoy the ride!!!!
Friday, October 21, 2011
The dragon lady. And how to conquer your's.
Women are crazy. I am one, so I can say this. I think.
We are such moody volatile creatures. Yes, yes we have shining moments of glory and we seem to possess the power to find our husbands missing items in no time flat. (this started happening once I got married, so strange). We can be beautiful and caring and bake delicious things, and conquer anything while having PMS.
Some days though I become what we lovingly refer to in the Whittemore house as "THE DRAGON LADY".
Today. Was one of those days. I woke up and cleaned the house while Der was at school.
Excited to be all Proverbs 31(ey) and domestic! He was pleasantly surprised ( assuming I'd still be sleeping) and grateful!
I showed off my skills, the grime I'd removed the spot I'd vacuumed, like a child with some new artwork ready to be hung on the fridge.(notice me! notice me!)
He then began chipping in organizing things, vacuuming spots I didn't know existed and I, well I became...(duh duh duh) annoyed, irritated, insert chosen word. I showered and sulked and let the scales grow, let the smoke billow from nose. Oh I played it cool like I was fine and battled my brain for peace and white flags blah blah blah. Which by the way were not necessary , because THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT. Which brings me back to my main point. 1. Women are crazy.
I set the precedent for the rest of our day by letting my emotions control me. It's easy to do, far, far too easy. However it is getting easier all the time to stop. Think it over and talk about it. Der is my bestie. I can tell him anything. When I explained 8 hours later how I had morphed into my dragon self he was sympathetic, practical and as always rational. It was weight off me, one that didn't even need to exist, but did (here comes the crazy, do you see how this is just a crazy cycle. AHHH).
Point 2. Turn it around. You have the power to realize you're being irrational and to stop it. Stop the dragon lady before she burns the ones you love.
Love, love, love,
Michelle (sometimes the dragon lady)
We are such moody volatile creatures. Yes, yes we have shining moments of glory and we seem to possess the power to find our husbands missing items in no time flat. (this started happening once I got married, so strange). We can be beautiful and caring and bake delicious things, and conquer anything while having PMS.
Some days though I become what we lovingly refer to in the Whittemore house as "THE DRAGON LADY".
Today. Was one of those days. I woke up and cleaned the house while Der was at school.
Excited to be all Proverbs 31(ey) and domestic! He was pleasantly surprised ( assuming I'd still be sleeping) and grateful!
I showed off my skills, the grime I'd removed the spot I'd vacuumed, like a child with some new artwork ready to be hung on the fridge.(notice me! notice me!)
He then began chipping in organizing things, vacuuming spots I didn't know existed and I, well I became...(duh duh duh) annoyed, irritated, insert chosen word. I showered and sulked and let the scales grow, let the smoke billow from nose. Oh I played it cool like I was fine and battled my brain for peace and white flags blah blah blah. Which by the way were not necessary , because THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT. Which brings me back to my main point. 1. Women are crazy.
I set the precedent for the rest of our day by letting my emotions control me. It's easy to do, far, far too easy. However it is getting easier all the time to stop. Think it over and talk about it. Der is my bestie. I can tell him anything. When I explained 8 hours later how I had morphed into my dragon self he was sympathetic, practical and as always rational. It was weight off me, one that didn't even need to exist, but did (here comes the crazy, do you see how this is just a crazy cycle. AHHH).
Point 2. Turn it around. You have the power to realize you're being irrational and to stop it. Stop the dragon lady before she burns the ones you love.
Love, love, love,
Michelle (sometimes the dragon lady)
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