Friday, February 17, 2012

Even the winter...

Even the winter won't last forever... (it may feel like it though (just saying))

For the past couple weeks I have been slipping down the slope of anxiety and winter depression. This past week I took Der with me. It's been grey and cold and we have been working a lot and seeing little of each other and it wears on you. Being an adult does that to a person. We moped, grew frustrated with each other, dreamed of tropical vacations and became distant. I had no fight in me. Der, usually my strong encourager was worn out, trying to encourage his wife who often says "please don't encourage me right now". What kind of b.s. is that? Don't encourage me right now? yeah I admit I have said that a couple times.It was strange I didn't even want to seek God. I just wanted to wallow. Oh my. A lot of times I like to wallow. I like to give in to the black lake of sorrow and doom (that I have known for far to long) and contemplate doggy paddling or drowning. It seems easier for some reason? (don't ask me why) 

It's so easy to embrace insanity, to embrace the darkness that laps at our feet. Don't. It won't get you out of anything, just delay  your journey.  The thing is. I am changed. It's really unreal, and so my new self battling my old self has a lot to do with this black lake of doom business. The old me would have jumped in the lake, and hid in her bed for as long as she wanted. This new version pushes through. It doesn't sound like much, but I have been like this forever, so it's really kind of a miracle. It's really a lot like growing up.

However being a grown up will not change the following about me :

I will still dress weird on occasion, because I can and it makes me feel cool and different.

I will still burp loudly. Not as much as I once did, but just enough to remind me of what once was....

I will still have a soft spot in my heart for musicals and once in a blue moon serenade my house with a medley of Wicked , Les Mis, and Jekyll and Hyde.

I will dance with my husband whenever and wherever. because why not?

I will never grow to old to be passionate, and write and sing and pursue music, because it is where my heart is.

I will never fall out of love with my savior and if I feel it slipping I will pursue him still.

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